The Hardest Goodbye 💔

September 30, 2017, will forever be engraved in my heart as one of the saddest days of my life. I remember waking up that Saturday morning thinking that I had the whole day to myself and all the things I had to do. Around 9 am, my dad; knocked on my door and told me that my grandfather Papa Jano, who at the time; had Alzheimer's escaped from my cousin's house and was missing. I did not think anything of it because I knew we would find him and everything would be okay. We would all laugh about it later. That afternoon, it started to rain in Rhode Island; at this point, I was getting worried because there was still no news about my grandfather; it was getting late, and shit was getting real. My sister came home from work that day around 5 pm; we decided to go to Boston to help and find him. I remember thinking to myself, we are going to go to Boston we are going to find him, and we will go out to eat with him. The drive was horrible; it felt like the longest ride ever; it was raining so bad, the only thing keeping me sane was listening to the new Jhene Aiko album "Trip" that came out a few days prior. During the drive, we get a call from my dad, and he tells us that my grandfather was in the hospital. Okay, I thought to myself; that's great news; he was most likely in the hospital getting a regular checkup making sure everything was okay; everything should be fine. We arrived at the hospital; as soon as I walked in and saw my dad's face, I realized that everything was not okay. He came up to my sister and me and told us that my grandfather suffered a heart attack and was unconscious; my heart instantly sank. I tried to remain hopeful; everything would be alright, I said to myself. We walked into the waiting room where my cousins were; we greeted them and waited until we received an update on my grandfather's condition.

Shortly after, the doctor came in and gave us an explanation of the status of my grandfather. I do not remember exactly everything he said but, I would never forget it when he said, your grandfather suffered two heart attacks due to his age; he will most likely not make it. When I heard that, I felt numb all I felt was my tears flowing and thinking that this could not be real. I remember my dad hugging my sister and me and we cried together for as long as we could. During this time of my life, I was going through such a rough time, dealing with my parent's divorce, entering my junior year of college, being a commuter, and working at my family's business. I remember thinking to myself, at the start of my junior year, I felt so hopeful. After my freshman and sophomore year of college being so horrible, I thought to myself nothing could go wrong this year, and not even a full month into the school year, and the joke was on me. That night the doctor sent us home to rest; we stayed at my cousin's house because it was closer. That night I barely slept; I prayed and prayed, wishing my grandfather would recover. That morning, the doctor called with great news stating my grandfather was doing better than expected and was conscious. We rushed to the hospital to see him although, he was with monitors and had his eyes closed; he could hear us. I remember my dad making jokes and telling him everything would be okay; he just had to be strong and pull through. That day we went to the waiting room and talked about the recovery of my grandfather. We knew it wasn't going to be easy, he would not be the same after having a heart attack. That day we, went back to Rhode Island. I had school the following day since my grandfather was doing much better, we thought it was best to go about our day. That Monday, nothing changed; my grandfather was still with monitors but still conscious.

The next day, Tuesday, October 3rd I woke up to my dad saying my grandfather had suffered another heart attack, and would not make it through the day. The car ride was miserably long; no one talked; we just wanted to get there in time and say our goodbyes. When we arrived at the hospital, we rushed to his room. Right away, I could feel the immense sadness. My grandfather was on life support, I remember seeing him, he was crying, and it broke me. Why did this have to happen? He didn't deserve this. I knew he didn't want to leave us, but I could tell he was suffering. The doctor told us it was time, he had to be disconnected, and even though no one wanted it, we knew there was nothing we could do. When the monitor disconnected, we could see the last few heartbeats of his life until we saw the straight line and knew that my grandfather had passed away. Everything after that was a blur; I remember just crying and hugging my little sister. I felt like my life was falling apart. How much more can I handle, I asked God. My grandfather was everything to me during the most difficult time of my life; he would always cheer me up by always having a smile on his face. I remember that day thinking to myself a month ago, he had stayed at my house for the weekend; every time I would look at him, I would instantly start tearing up and I didn't know why. I couldn't explain it at that moment but, deep down I feel that it was God preparing me for the worse. Anyone that knew my grandfather knew he was a beautiful person, always so happy. He always had a smile on his face and full of life; that's how I will remember him.

Today marks four years of his passing, and honestly, I don't know where the time went. To this day, if I hear a song from the Jhene Aiko album, I think of that exact moment in the car ride on September 30th and I can't help but cry. The day of his passing was one of the saddest days of my life. At the time, I could not even heal because of all the problems I was going through. I felt numb; the day after, I had to go to class because I couldn't afford to miss class. Just thinking about everything I went through those four days makes me cry. I went through other bulllshit during those four days to the point where my sister and I barely talked to my dad during that time. I look back at myself for four years ago and I honestly don't know how I did it. My grandfather did not deserve to pass that way, but I know everything happens for a reason, though sometimes we may never know why. I miss you more than anything, Papa Jano. The only thing I ask of you is to keep protecting my family and me; I know you are always watching and taking care of us. I love you so much; I hope one day I can make you proud.

I want to share a quote from one of my favorite books, "Letters to the men I have loved" by Mirtha Michelle Castro. She states, "I thought I was prepared to deal with your loss. I thought I was strong and courageous like you, but your death was beyond a physical one for me. It was the death of an era. Our family lost its patriarch. The month of October would never be the same". This quote is exactly how I feel about my grandfather; it's crazy because Mirtha, the author, lost her grandfather the same day I lost mine. Papa Jano, you will always be in my heart; there is not a day I do not think of you.

Thank you guys for reading this blog; this blog has been so hard to write. I also want to take the time to say, please try to be kind to people because you never know what someone is going through. Try your best to be compassionate and empathic because we need more people like that in this world. Thank you again for reading; stay tuned for the next blog.

Love,

LC ✨