Flaws & All

I always have had a love for fashion ever since I was little. When I was ten years old, I would walk into clothing stores and look at girls in their 20s and think to myself, I cannot wait until I am old enough to dress like them. My dreams would insistently get crushed because I was not like any other girl; at the time, I had no hope that it would change in the future. I was born prematurely; I had complications with my intestines and had to get emergency surgery. My surgery left me with scars all over my stomach; they were bumpy, huge, and visible. As a child, I never really cared about it. Maybe I did not want to acknowledge that I was different than the average girl. At times, I wanted to wear a bikini during the summer, but I knew I could not because everyone would find out and I was scared that I would get bullied for being different. As I grew older, it was harder for me to act like I did not care about the way my stomach looked. I became more self-conscious about my scars. I remember, one day, I got so frustrated because I wanted to wear a particular outfit, and because of my scars, I could not wear it. It started to take a toll on me and affect me emotionally and mentally. That night, I remember crying myself to sleep; and asking God why this happened to me. I made a list in my head top five things I wanted to get done to myself; the top one was getting surgery to get surgery for the scars in my stomach.

A few years passed; I was about 12/13 years old. My mother scheduled an appointment with a plastic surgeon to see how I could go about getting my scars removed. That day, I remembered I was scared; I did not know what to expect. The surgeon talked about the only way to get my scars removed was with extra skin from my body which I did not have because I was so thin. He gave me a solution where he and his team would insert two balloons inside my stomach and where weekly they would inflate it with liquid which would cause my skin to stretch and would have enough skin to replace the scars. I remember observing and thinking every word through; my first thought was how would I pull this off without anyone in my school finding out? The kids in my school would think I am pregnant. My doctor noticed I was worried and unsure of everything. My doctor then told my mother to leave the room to talk to him privately. He told me if I decide not to go with this surgery, one day, there will be a man that would love me unconditionally and would accept me the way I am. One day if we were fortunate enough to get pregnant, he would be able to the surgery. At the time, I was 12 years old I knew I would have to wait a long time for that to happen; I was too scared to go through it with, so I decided it was not my time.

A few years later passed, I was 16/17 years old. I decided that I was ready, so we met up with the same surgeon; I told him I was 100% sure this time. I knew that it would be hard with school; junior year was the most stressful time of my high school experience with college applications and SATs. I was always a good student; that was my biggest worry that I wouldn’t be able to juggle everything.

On the day of the surgery, I did not know what to expect; the surgery lasted about 4/5 hours due to finding hernias that they had to remove. I was in so much pain; and knew as the weeks passed, I would only feel worse. Two months of getting insulated with liquid felt like an eternity; I always felt uncomfortable and had horrible back pain. I remembered in school; I would always wear my North Face jacket so it wouldn’t be noticeable that I was “getting bigger”. Two months passed, and I was big enough to get my second surgery done. On the day of my surgery, I remember driving to the hospital and praying that everything would turn out how I expected it to be. The surgery lasted a couple of hours when I woke up; I was so out of it; I remember my family telling me that my new stomach looked so good, I couldn’t see it myself because I was banded and had a brace. A few weeks passed by, I started feeling like myself; I got to see my body; I only had one large scar, like a “C-section” scar, but never less, I was still grateful. I had a belly button; I finally could wear crop tops. Throughout the years, I had to get multiple surgeries; and once again get scars but not as bad as I originally had them. I am grateful for the experience; that I had to deal with because without them; I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. I am confident and love who I am; my scars do not define me; they represent the changes in my life.

In 2017, I started to feel more confident with my body and decided to go for one of my biggest passions in life. I began doing clothing hauls and ever since, I never stopped. My clothing hauls is more than a hobby; I am at my happiness whenever I am modeling. I have done clothing hauls from numerous boutiques and gotten so many recognitions because of my clothing hauls, and I am forever grateful. I whole-heartedly enjoy doing clothing hauls; my ten-year-old self would be proud of me. Ten years ago, I would have never thought; that I would be where I am today. I know everything in my life had to happen the way it did; everything was for a reason, and I am so happy that everything turned out to be okay. I am nowhere close to being where I want to be. I am sure with my determination, good heart, and hard work; I will become the person of my dream. Thank you to anyone who has gotten to this point. I want to take the time to say always be true to yourself, to your goals and dreams. To anyone struggling with body image, I have been there, I know how hard it can be at times. My advice is to practice a lot of self-love and self-care; this is a forever journey; try not to compare yourself to others and remember your value doesn’t lie in how your body looks. If you want a change in your body, do it because you want to. Now that I am older, I love myself, flaws and all. I hope you enjoyed this blog; I went out of my comfort zone because I rarely ever talk about this, but it was a big part of my life, and I am glad that I went through this experience. I hope you enjoyed reading this blog; stay tuned for more content. ♡

Love,

LC ✨